My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
