Church boner. Awkwardddd
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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