Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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