I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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