theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
