People in love make me want to vomit
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
