She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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