Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
