Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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