My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
FUCK WHALES
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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