turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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