When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
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Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
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I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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