Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
