just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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