Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
only you would photoshop your dick
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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