if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
