Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
