you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
