Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize