I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
