Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
