i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
