I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
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When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
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New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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