What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
