I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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