Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
