"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
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