don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
