Moan for me like Helen Keller
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
