It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Randomize
