You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
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We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
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so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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