I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
