I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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