why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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