you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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