He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
