a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
