I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
