Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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