really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
