I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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