return my video game
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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