Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
