thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
