i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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