apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
