UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.