Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.