and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
