oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
