I skipped work to stalk him.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
