I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
