My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
