I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
