hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
