She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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