Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
